A Clowndog That Yaps

Gonna be listing all of my confirmed theriotypes, kintypes, and fictotypes.

Theriotypes:
- Siberian Husky
- Emperor Moth
- Red Fox
- Long haired calico cat [Most likely a stray]

Kintypes:
- Bat Eared Fox
- Raccoon Dog/Tanuki

Fictotypes:
- Pinkie Pie [MLP]
- Rainbow Dash [MLP]
- Jinx [Arcane]
- Clawdeen Wolf [MH]
- Pim [Smiling Friends]

Questioning:
- Antelope of some breed, maybe?

I've begun to wonder if being a clown means more to me and my identity than I originally thought. I had always thought that I was just a clown enthusiast and I liked to have my little clown characters, but I think there's more to it than that.

I feel like a clown. Like I'm always a clown, I feel like it's an important piece of my identity. I don't know if it's connected to my gender or another part of my identity, but I know that clowns mean something for me. I feel connected to them, I feel like I always am one, even without the makeup. Like being a clown is a piece of my soul somehow.

I'm not sure what this means or how to define it, I just know I'm a clown in a way I never thought before. There's more to my clown side than just makeup and a character. I think.

When Zahn was born, his mother had taken one single look at him and told the nurses to take him away. She refused to hold him, or even name him. She didn’t want to keep him, she said he was demonic and cursed, and who were the nurses to argue with her when they were just as scared as the mother was of this… abomination. So they slapped “John Doe” on the baby’s paperwork and kept him in the NICU for testing. You see, he wasn’t born normal. He had these strange teeth and little bits of gums growing from his eye socket, and his neck, and one of his legs too. Just.. teeth scattered about his body, growing through his skin. His doctors never seemed to truly care all that much, they would test his blood, examine his abnormalities, make a note of when new teeth started to grow through his skin, take care of the frequent infections, but they never seemed to really try all that hard to cure him or find a treatment that could stop more teeth from growing.

He inevitably got too big for the NICU beds after some time, and he was moved to the pediatrics wing of the hospital. His first word was “mama” and he said it to one of the nurses. They didn’t have the heart to tell him he didn’t have mom, and he was too young to really understand anyway. They knew they couldn’t ever find a cure for him, they didn’t seem to have any interest in continuing to try, and yet, they kept him. He stayed in the hospital. There was no real reason for it, maybe they were just entertained by having a freak like him to gawk at throughout the day. Something like that. They would try to clean his extra teeth but it always made him cry, they were sensitive and they hurt too much when they were messed with. Eventually, they gave up trying to clean the teeth and they let them yellow over time.


*There is way more to this story and it is a work in progress, this is only the beginning of it. I will be posting it on AO3 eventually.*

I learned recently what fictotypes are, characters that are a part of you. I've thought for years that I'm Pinkie Pie but I could never define that connection until now. I relate to her chaos and energy. Another fictoype of mine is Jinx from Arcane, as edgy as it may seem. I relate to her abandonment issues and having thoughts that convince you everyone is an enemy. I am her, she is me. That's how I feel. I can also relate to having a rocky relationship with siblings like Jinx does. I was actually abandoned like her, but it sure feels that way.

I'm still questioning and discovering new connections, those are the only ones I'm sure of at the moment. Pinkie and Jinx. Noticing a pattern here, I feel like they have similar energy. Maybe that's just how I see it though.

A certain character from Smiling Friends seems to live rent free in my brain lately, I wonder what that's about.

I think it was Summer of 2023 when I was sitting alone in my room and I had this vivid image in my head. I told my family about it and they were all convinced it was just a dream, but I knew it wasn't. It felt too real, like a memory that wasn't mine. I started looking up things like "why do I remember things that didn't really happen" and "do people often remember flying" and I stumbled across therians. Ones who remember flying, flying as birds or bats or bugs. I read about their experiences and I thought to myself "Wow, that sounds like what I feel too" but I brushed it off for a while because I was convinced I was crazy, and I convinced myself the therians I found were just crazy people too.

Over time, I found myself coming back to those communities, and over time I came to discover that I was an Emperor Moth. I vividly remember flying, and it felt like what I can only describe as bouncing on air. I was in a long hallway with a bunch of people, like a school or a hospital, maybe a crowded Chruch or something. I was above the humans, flying towards a large window at the end of the hallway. Every time this replays in my head, when I reach the window, everything is red, then everything is gone. Fast, too. I'm convinced either the impact of the window killed me, or a human killed me when I reached the window. Or maybe it was just my time to go.

I say I'm a moth specifically because it's what makes sense to me. I've always felt drawn to moths in some way and they seem to be drawn to me somehow too. Every summer, at least one moth will pop up in my house and happily sit in my hand while I talk to it. All moths do that with me. Every moth I've encountered seems to enjoy my company. I've always felt as if I should've been one. Like being born as a human being was somehow wrong. I say Emperor moths specifically because it just feels right. I can't explain that part. That breed just feels right to me.

When it comes to awakening as a red fox, that happened a little differently. And it's odd that it most often happens when I'm alone, but I had a tail. I felt it, it was moving, it was a part of me and in my head I could see it. I could see myself as a fox, on a fallen tree in the woods, curled up and sleeping. It's odd because when I remembered being a moth, it was a first person experience, but when I see myself as a fox, it's third person. I know I'm a red fox because that's what I saw.

And with being a Husky, that was a similar experience to awakening as a fox. I had a tail and I knew, though, I didn't see myself that time, I just knew because it felt right. Similar to my moth awakening, I know what breed I am just because it felt right to me. I've always loved the snow, but as a human I hate the cold. I admire from inside. Bittersweet, really.

It also just felt right for my first post to be about my first alterhuman experiences. I don't know if anybody is even gonna read this, I might be talking to a brick wall, but, yeah.